此回亦非正文本旨，只冷子興一人，即俗謂冷口出熱，無中生有也。其演說榮府一篇者，蓋因族大人多，若從作者筆下一一敘出，盡一 二回不能得明白，則成何文字，故借用冷字一人，略出其大半，使閱者心中已有一榮府隱隱在心，然後用黛玉、寶釵等，兩三次皴染，則 耀然于心中眼中矣，此即畫家三染法也！
未寫榮府的正人，先寫外戚，是由遠及近，由小至大也。若使先敘出榮府，然後一一敘及外戚，又至朋友、至奴僕，其死板拮據之筆， 豈作十二釵人手中之物也？今先寫外戚者，正先寫榮國府。故又怕閑文瘰贅，開筆即先寫賈夫人已死，是特使黛玉入榮府之速也。通靈寶 玉于士隱夢中一出，今又于子興口中一出，閱者已洞然矣。然後于黛玉、寶釵二人目中，極精極細一描，只是鎖合處不肯一筆直下，有若 放閘之水、燃信的炮竹，使其精華一洩而無餘也。究竟以玉原應出自釵黛目中，方有照應。今預從子興口中說實，雖寫而卻未寫，觀其後 文可知。此一回文則是虛敲旁擊之文，筆則是反逆隱曲之筆。詩曰：
一局輸贏料不真，香消茶盡尚逡巡；欲知目下興衰兆，須問 傍觀冷眼人。
卻說封肅因聽見公差傳喚，忙出來陪笑啟問，那些人只嚷：「快請出甄爺來！」封肅忙陪笑道：「小人姓封，並不姓甄；只有當日小婿 姓甄，今已出家一二年了。不知可是問他麼？」那些公人道：「我們也不知甚麼真假，因奉太爺之命來問他，既是你女婿，便帶了你去親 見太爺面稟省得亂跑。」說著不容封肅多言，大家推擁著他去了，家人個個驚慌，不知何兆。
那天約二更時，只見封肅回來，歡天喜地，眾人忙問端的。他乃說道：「原來本府新陞的太爺姓賈名化，本胡洲人氏，曾與女婿舊日相 交，方才在咱門前過去，因看見嬌杏那丫頭在門前買線，只當女婿移住于此。我一一將原故回明，那太爺傷感嘆息了一回；又問外孫女兒 ，我說看燈丟了。太爺說：『不妨，我自使番役，務必採訪回來。』說了一回話，臨走倒送我二兩銀子。」甄家娘子聽了，不覺心中感傷 。一宿無話。
至次日早有雨村遣人送了兩封銀子﹑四疋錦緞，答謝甄家娘子。又寄一封密書與封肅，轉托向甄家娘子要那嬌杏作二房。封肅喜得屁滾 水流，巴不得去奉承，便在女兒前一力攛掇成了，當夜只用一乘小轎便把嬌杏送進去了。雨村喜歡，自不必說；乃封百金送封肅外，又謝 甄家娘子許多物事，令其好生養贍，以待尋訪女兒下落。封肅回家無 話。
卻說嬌杏這丫環，便是那回顧雨村者，因偶然一看，便弄出這段故 事來，亦是自己意料不到之奇緣。誰想他命運兩濟，不承 望到雨村身邊，只一年，便生一子；又半載，雨村的嫡妻忽染病去世 ，雨村便將他扶作正室夫人了，正是：
偶因一著巧，便為人上人。
原來雨村因那年士隱贈銀之後，他于十六日便起身入都，到大比之期，不料他十分得意，已會了進士，選入外班，今升了本府知府。雖 才幹優長，未免有些貪酷之弊；且又恃才侮上，那些官員皆側目而視，不上一年，便被上司尋了一個空隙，做成一本，參他情性狡猾、擅 纂禮儀、且沽清正之名而暗給虎狼之屬，致使地方多事、民命不堪等語。*龍顏大怒，即批革職。該部文書一到，本府官員無不大悅。那 雨村心中雖十分慚恨，面上卻全無一點怨色，仍是嘻笑自若，交代過公事，將歷年做官積下的資本，並家小人屬等，送至原籍安插妥協， 卻是自己擔風袖月，遊覽天下勝跡。那日偶又遊至維揚地面，因聞得今歲鹽政點的是林如海。
這林如海姓林名海，表字如海，乃是前科的探花，今已升至蘭臺寺大夫，本貫姑蘇人氏，今欽點為巡鹽御史，到任方一月有餘。原來這 林如海之祖，曾襲過列侯，今到如海，業經五世；起出時，只封襲三世，因當今隆恩盛德，遠邁前代，額外加恩，至如海之父，又襲了一 代；至如海，便從科第出身；雖係鐘鼎之家，卻亦是書香之族。只可惜這林家支庶不勝，子孫有限，雖有幾門，卻與如海俱是堂族而已， 沒甚親近嫡派。今如海年已四十，只有一個三歲之子，偏又于去歲死了，雖有幾房姬妾，奈命中無子，亦無可如何之事。只嫡妻賈氏生得 一女，名黛玉，年方五歲，夫妻無子，故愛女如珍，且又見他生得聰明俊秀，也使他讀書識字，不過假沖養子之意，聊解膝下荒涼之嘆。
且說賈雨村正值偶感風寒，病在旅店，將一月的光景方漸愈，一因身體勞倦，二因盤費不繼，也正欲尋個合式之處，暫且歇下，幸有兩 個舊友，亦在此境居住，因聞得鹽政欲聘一西賓，雨村便托了友力謀了進去，且作安身之計。妙在只一個這女學生，並兩個伴讀的丫環， 這女學生又極小，身體又怯弱，工課不限多寡，，故十分省力。
堪堪又是一載的光陰。誰知女學生之母賈氏夫人一疾而終，女學生侍湯奉鎮藥，守喪盡哀，遂水辭館別圖，林如海意欲令女守制讀書， 故又將他留下。只因女學生哀痛過傷，本自怯弱多病的，觸犯舊症，遂連日不曾上學。雨村閑居無聊，每當風日晴和，飯後便出來閑步。 這日偶至郊外，意欲賞鑒那村野風光，忽信步至一山環水繞、茂林修竹之處，隱隱有座廟宇，門巷傾頹，墻垣污敗，門前有額寫著「智通 寺」三字，門傍又有一副破舊的對聯是：身後有餘忘縮手，眼前無路想回頭。雨村看了，因想到：「這兩句文雖淺近，其意則深，我也曾 遊過些名山大剎，倒不曾見過這話頭，其中想來必有個翻過筋斗來的，也未可定，何不進去試試？」想著，走入看時，只有一個龍鍾老僧 在那裡煮粥，雨村見了，便不在意，及至問他兩句話，那老僧既聾且昏，又齒落舌鈍，所答非所問。
雨村不耐煩，便仍出來，意欲到那村肆中沽飲三杯，以助野興，于是款步行來。方入肆門，只見座上吃酒之客，有一人起身大笑，接了 出來，口內說：「奇遇，奇遇。」雨村忙看時，此人是都中古董行中貿易的，號冷子興的，舊日在都相識。雨村最讚這冷子興是個有作為 大本領的人，這子興又借雨村斯文之名，故二人最相契合。雨村忙亦笑問道：「老兄何日到此？弟竟不知，今日偶遇，真奇緣也！」子興 道：「去年歲底到家，今因還要入都，從此順路找個朋友說一句話，承他的情，留我多住兩日，待月半也就起身了。今日敝友有事，我因 閑步至此，不期這樣巧遇。」一面說，一面讓雨村坐了，另整上酒肴來，二人閑談慢飲，敘些別後之事。
雨村因問：「近日都中可有新聞沒有？」子興道：「倒沒有什麼新聞，倒是老先生你貴同宗家出了一件小小的異事。」雨村笑道：「弟 族中無人在都，何談及此？」子興笑道：「你們同姓，並非同宗一族？」雨村問是誰家，子興道：「榮國賈府中，可也不玷辱了先生的門 楣！」雨村笑道：「原來是他家。若論起來，寒族人丁卻自不少，自東漢賈復以來，支派繁盛，各省皆有，誰能逐細考查；若論榮國一支 ，卻是同譜，但他那等榮耀，我們不便去攀扯，至今所以越發生疏了。」子興笑道：「先生休如此說。如今的這榮寧兩府的人口也都蕭疏 了，不比先時的光景。」雨村道：「當日寧榮兩府的人口也極多，如何就蕭疏了？」子興道：「正是，說來也話長。」雨村道：「去歲我 到金陵地界，因欲遊覽六朝的遺跡，那日進了石頭城，從他宅門前經過，街東是寧國府，街西是榮國府，二宅相連，竟將大半條街占了。 大門外雖冷落無人，隔著圍牆一望，裡面廳殿樓閣，也還都崢嶸軒峻；就是後一帶花園子裡，樹木山石，也都還有蓊蔚茵潤之氣，那裡像 個衰敗之家？」子興笑道：「虧你是進士出身，原來不通。古人有云：『百足之蟲，死而不僵』，如今雖說不似先年那樣興勝，較之平常 仕宦人家，到底氣象不同。如今目下，生齒日繁，事物日盛，主僕上下，安富尊榮者甚多，運籌謀畫的無一。其日用排場又不能將就省儉 ，如今外面架子雖沒很倒，內囊卻也盡上來了。這還是小事。更有一件大事：誰知鐘鳴鼎食之家，翰墨詩書之族，如今的兒孫，竟一代不 如一代了！」雨村聽說，也罕道：「這樣詩禮之家，豈有不善教育之理？別門不知，只說這寧榮兩宅，是最教子有方的？」
子興嘆道：「正說的是那兩門呢！待我告訴你：當日寧國公與榮國公是一乳同胞的兩個弟兄。寧公居長，生了兩個兒子；寧公死 後，長子賈代化襲了官，也養了兩個兒子：長子名賈敷，至八九歲上便死了，只剩了次子賈敬，襲了官，如今一味好道，只愛燒丹煉汞， 餘者一概不放在心上。幸而早年留下一子，名喚賈珍，因他父親一心想作神仙，把官倒讓他襲了。他父親又不肯回原籍來，只在都中城外 和道士們湖羼。這位珍爺倒也生了一子，今年才十六歲，名叫賈蓉。如今敬老爺一概不管，這珍爺那裡肯讀書？只一味高樂，把那寧國府 竟翻過來了，也沒有敢來管他的。再說榮國府你聽：方才所說的異事就出在這裡：自榮公死後，長子賈代善襲了官，娶的是金陵世勳史侯 的小姐為妻，生了兩個兒子：長名賈赦，次名賈政；如今代善早已去世，太夫人尚在，長子賈赦襲著官。次子賈政，自幼酷好讀書，祖父 最疼，原要以科甲出身的，不料代善臨終時，遺本一上，皇上因血先臣，即時令長子襲官；又問還有幾個兒子，亦即引見，遂特賜了這政 老爺一個主事之職，令其入部習學，如今現已升了員外郎了。這政老爺的夫人王氏，頭生的公子名叫賈珠，十四歲上進了學，不到廿歲， 就娶了妻，生了子，一疾就死了，第二胎生了一位小姐，生在大年初一，這就奇了；不想次年，又生了一位公子，說來更奇：一落胞胎嘴 裡便啣著一塊五彩晶瑩的玉來，還有許多字跡；就取名叫做寶玉你道 是新奇異事不是？
雨村笑道：「果然奇異！只怕這人來歷不小！」子興冷笑道：「凡人皆如此說，因而他祖母愛如珍寶。那年周歲時，政老爺便要試他將 來的志向，便將那世上所有之物，擺了無數與他抓取，誰知他一概不取，伸手只把些脂粉釵環抓來；那政老爺便大怒了，說將來不過酒色 之徒耳，因此便不大喜歡。獨那史老太君還是命根子一般。說來又大奇了：如今長了七八歲，雖然淘氣異常，但聰明乖覺，百個不及他一 個；說起孩子話來也奇怪：他說：『女兒是水作的骨肉，男人是泥做的骨肉，我見了女兒我便清爽，見了男子便覺濁臭逼人！』你道好笑 不好笑？將來色鬼無疑了！」雨村罕然厲色忙止道：「非也！可惜你們不知道這人來歷，大約政老前輩也錯以淫魔色鬼看待了！若非多讀 書識字，加以致知格物之功，悟道參玄之力者，不能知也。」
子興見他說得這等重大，忙請教其端。雨村道：「天地生人，除大仁大惡兩種，餘無大異；若大仁者則應運而生，大惡者則應劫而生， 運生治世，劫生危世。堯、舜、禹、湯、文、武、周公、孔子、韓周、程、朱、張皆應運而生者，蚩尤、共工、桀、紂、始皇、王莽、曹 操、桓溫、安祿山、秦檜等，皆應劫而生者：大仁者修治天下，大惡者擾亂天下，清明靈秀，天地之正氣，仁者之秉也；殘忍乖僻，天地 之邪氣，惡者之所秉也。今當祚永運隆之朝，太平無為之世，清明靈秀之氣所秉者，上自朝廷、下至草野，比比皆是。所餘之秀氣，漫無 所歸，遂為甘露，為和風，洽然溉及四海；彼殘忍乖僻之邪氣，不能蕩溢於光天化日之中，遂凝結充塞於深溝大壑之中，偶因風蕩，忽被 雲催，略有搖動感發之意，一絲半縷，誤而洩出者，偶值靈秀之氣適過，正不容邪，邪復妒正，兩不相下，亦如風水雷電，地中既遇，既 不能消，又不能讓，必致搏擊掀發後如盡；故其氣亦必賦人，發洩一盡後始散，使男女偶秉此氣而生者，上則不能為仁人君子，下亦不能 為為大凶大惡：置之抵萬萬人之中，其聰明靈秀之氣，則在萬萬人之上；其乖僻邪謬不近人情之態，水在千萬人之下；若生於公侯富貴之 家，則為情痴情種；若生於詩書清貧詩禮之族，則為逸士高人，縱再生於薄祚寒門，斷不能為走卒健僕，甘遭庸人駕馭，如前代之許由、 陶潛、阮籍、嵇康、劉伶、王謝二族、陳後主、唐明皇、宋徽宗、劉庭芝、溫飛卿、米南宮、石曼卿、柳耆卿、秦少游、近日之倪雲林、 唐伯虎、祝枝山，再如李龜年、黃旛綽、敬新磨、卓文君、紅拂、薛濤、崔鶯鶯、朝雲之流；此皆易地則同之人也。」
子興道：「依你說，『成則公侯，敗則賊了』？正是這意。你還不知，我自革職以來，這兩年遍遊各省，也曾遇見兩個異樣孩子，所以方 才你一說這寶玉，我就猜著了八九亦是這一派人物。不用遠處，只這金陵城內，欽差金陵省體仁院總裁甄家，你可知道麼？」子興道：「 誰人不知！這甄府就是賈府老親，又係世交，兩家來往極其親熱，就在下也和他家往來非止一日了。」
雨村笑道：「去歲我在金陵，也曾有人薦我到甄府處館，我進去看其光景，誰知他家那等顯貴，卻是個『富而好禮』之家，倒是個難得之 館。但是這個學生雖是啟蒙，卻比個舉業的學生還勞神。說起來更可笑：他說：『必得兩個女兒伴我讀書，我方能認得字，心上也明白； 不然，我心裡糊塗。』又常跟對跟他的小廝們說：『這「女兒」兩個字極尊貴極清淨的，比那阿彌陀佛元始天尊的兩個寶號還尊榮無對呢 ！你們這濁口臭舌，萬不可唐突這兩個字，要緊的很呢！但凡要說時，必須先用淨水香茶漱了口才可說；若失錯，便要鑿牙穿腮等事。』 其暴虐浮躁，頑劣憨痴，種種異常；只一放了學進去，見了那些女兒們，聰敏文雅，竟又變了一個人了。因此他令尊也曾下死笞楚了幾次 ，無奈竟不能改。每打的吃疼不過時，他便「姐姐」「妹妹」的亂叫起來。後來聽得裡頭女兒們拿他取笑：『因何打急了只管叫姐妹做甚 ？莫不求姐妹們去討饒？你豈不羞些！』他回答的最妙，他說：『疼急之時，只叫「姐姐」「妹妹」字樣，或可解疼，也未可知，因叫了 一聲，便不覺疼，遂得了祕訣，每疼痛之極，便連叫姐妹起來了！』你說可笑不可笑？為他祖母溺愛不明，每因孫兒辱師責子，因此我就 辭了館。如今在巡鹽林家坐了館。你說這等子弟必不能守祖父基業、從師友規諫的。只可惜他家幾個好姊妹都是少有的！」
子與道：」便是賈府中現在三個也不錯。政老爺之長女元春，現因賢孝才德，選入宮作女史去了。二小姐乃赦老爺之女，政老爺養為己 女，名迎春。三小姐乃政老爺之庶出，名探春。四小姐乃寧府珍爺之胞妹，名惜春，因史老太夫人極愛孫女，都跟在祖母這邊，一處讀書 ，聽得個個不錯。」雨村道：」更妙在甄家的風俗，女兒之名亦皆從男子之名，命字不似別人家裡，用這些春、紅、香、玉等艷字；何得 賈府亦落此俗套？」子興道：「不然。只因現今大小姐是正月初一所生，故名『元春』，餘者方從了『春』字；上一輩的卻也是從弟兄而 來的。現有對證：目今你貴東家林公之夫人，即榮府中赦政二公之胞妹，在家時名喚賈敏，不信時你回去細訪便知。」雨村拍案笑道：「 怪道！這女學生讀書凡有『敏』字他皆念作『密』字，寫字遇著『敏』字亦減一二筆，我心中就有些疑惑，今聽你說，是為此無疑矣了。 怪道我這女學生言詞舉止另是一樣，不與近日女子相同，度其母必不凡，方生此女；今知為榮府之外孫，又不足罕矣。可傷上月竟亡故了 ！」子興嘆道：「這老姊妹四個，這一個是極小的，又沒了！長一輩的姊妹一個也沒了，只看這少一輩的將來之東床何如呢。」
雨村道：「正是。方才說政公已有一個啣玉之兒，又有長子所遺一個弱孫，這赦老竟無一個不成？」子興道：「政公既有玉兒之後，其 妾後又生了一個，倒不知其好歹。只眼前現有二子一孫，卻不知將來何如。若問那赦老爺，也有二子，長名賈璉，今年廿來歲了，親上作 親，娶的是政老爺夫人王氏之內姪女，今已娶了二年。這位璉爺身上，現捐的是個周知，也是不愛讀書；于世路上好機變，言談去得，所 以如今只在乃叔政老爺家住，幫著料理家務。誰知自娶了他令夫人之後，倒上下無人不稱頌他夫人，璉爺倒退了一射之地，說模樣兒又極 標緻，言談又爽利，心機又極深細，竟是個男人萬不及一的！」
雨村聽了笑道：「可知我前言不謬：你我方才所說這幾個人，只怕都是那正邪兩賦而來，一路之人，也未可知也！」子興道：「『邪』 也罷！『正』也罷！只顧算別人家的帳，你也吃一杯才好。」雨村道：「正是。只顧說話，竟多吃了幾杯。」子與笑道：「說著別人家的 閑話，正好下酒，就多吃幾杯何妨！」雨村向窗外看道：「天已晚了，仔細關了城，我們慢慢進城再談，未為不可。」於是二人起身，算 還酒帳，方欲走時，只聽得後面有人叫道：「雨村兄！恭喜了！特來報喜信兒。』雨村忙回頭看時，且聽下回分解。
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
紅樓夢: 第一回 甄士隱夢幻識通靈 賈雨村風塵懷閨秀
此開卷第一回也。作者自云因曾歷過一翻夢幻之後，故將真事隱去 ，而借「通靈」之說撰此「石頭記」一書也；故曰「甄士隱」云云。 但書中所記何事何人？自又云：「今風塵碌碌，一事無成，忽念及當 日所有之女子，一一細考較去，覺其行止見識皆出于我之上，何我 堂堂鬚眉，誠不若彼裙釵；我實愧則有餘，悔亦無益，真大無可如 何之日也！當此日，欲將已往所賴天恩祖德，錦衣紈褲之時，飫甘 厭肥之日，背父兄教育之恩，負師友規談之德，以致今日一技無成， 半生潦倒之罪，編述一集，以告天下；知我之罪固不免，然閨閣 中本自歷歷有人，萬不可因我之不肖，自護其短，一併使其泯滅也。 雖今日茅椽蓬牖，瓦灶繩床，並不足妨我襟懷；況那晨風夕月階柳庭 花，更覺得潤人筆墨；我雖不學無文，又何妨用假語村言，敷衍 出一段故事來，亦可使閨閣昭傳，復可悅世之目，破人愁悶，不亦宜 乎。故曰「賈雨村」云云。更於篇中凡用「夢」用「幻」等字，是 提醒閱者眼目，亦是此書本旨。
列位看官！你道此書從何而來？說起根由雖近荒唐，細按頗有趣味 。原來女媧氏煉石補天之時，於大荒山無稽崖煉成高十二丈 ，見方廿四丈頑石三萬六千五百零一塊，女媧氏只用了三萬六千五 百塊，單單剩下一塊未用，棄在青埂峰下。誰知此石自經鍛煉之 後，靈性已通，自去自來，可大可小；因見眾石俱得補天，獨自己無 才，不堪入選，遂自怨自嘆，日夜悲哀。
一日，正當嗟悼之際，俄見一僧一道，遠遠而來，生得氣宇不凡， 丰神迥異，來至石下，席地坐談。見這一塊鮮明瑩潔的石頭，且又縮 成扇墜一般，可佩可拿；那僧托于掌上，笑道：「形體倒也是個寶物 了，只是沒有實在的好處，須得在鐫上幾個字，使人一見便知你是件 奇物，然後攜你到那昌明隆盛之邦、詩禮簪纓之族、花柳繁華之地、 溫柔富貴之鄉去安身樂業。」石頭聽了喜不能禁，乃問：「不知可鐫 何字，攜到何方？望乞明示。」那僧笑道：「你且莫問，日後自然明 白。」說畢，便袖了那石，同那道人飄然而去，竟不知投奔何方何舍 。後來不知過了幾世幾劫，因有個空空道人訪道求仙，忽從這大荒山 無稽崖青埂峰下經過，忽見一大石上，字跡分明，編述歷歷；空空道 人乃從頭一看，原來是無才補天、幻形入世、蒙茫茫大士渺渺真人攜 入紅塵、歷盡一番離合悲歡，炎涼世態的一段故事。後面有一首偈云 ：
無才可去補蒼天，枉入紅塵若許年；此係生前身後事，請誰 記取作奇傳？
詩後便是此石墮落之鄉，投胎之處，親自經歷的一段陳跡故事。其 中家庭閨閣的瑣事，以及閑情的詩詞倒還全備。或可適情解悶，然朝 代年紀，地輿邦國，卻反失落無考。空空道人遂向石頭說道：「石兄 ，你這一段故事，據你自己說，有些趣味，故編寫在此，意欲問世傳 奇；據我看來，第一，無朝代年紀可考；第二，並無大忠、大賢、理 朝廷、治風俗的善政，其中只不過幾個異樣女子，或情或痴，或小才 微善，亦無班姑、蔡女之德能，我總抄去，恐世人不受看呢？」石頭 笑答道：「我師何太痴也！若云無朝代可考，今天我師竟假借漢唐等 年紀添綴，又有何不可？但我想歷代野史皆蹈一轍，莫如我不借此套 ，反倒別致新奇，不過取其事體情理罷了，又何必拘拘于朝代年紀哉 ？。再者，市井俗人喜看理治之書者甚少，愛看適趣閑文者甚多；歷 代野史中，或訕謗君相，或貶人妻女，姦淫凶惡者，不可勝數。更有 一種風月筆墨，其淫穢污臭，塗毒筆墨，壞人子弟，又不可勝數。更 若才子佳人等書，則又千部共出一套，且且其中終不能不涉于淫濫。 以致滿紙『潘安』、『子建』、『西子』、『文君』，不過作者要寫 出自己那兩首情詩艷賦來，故假擬出男女二人名性，又必傍出一小人 其間撥亂，亦如戲中小丑然。且環婢開口即者也之乎，非文即理，故 逐一看去悉皆自相矛盾，大不近情之話；竟不如我半世親睹親聞的這 幾個女子，雖不敢說強似前代書中所有之人，但事跡原故，亦可消愁 破悶；也有幾首歪詩俗話，可以噴飯供酒。至若離合悲歡，興衰際遇 ，則又追蹤躡跡，不敢稍加穿鑿，徒為供人之目，而反失其真傳。今 之人，貧者日為衣食所累，富者又懷不足之心，縱一時稍閑，又有貪 淫戀色，好貨尋愁等事，那裡有工夫去看那理治之書？所以我這一段 事也不愿世人稱奇道妙，也不定要世人喜悅檢讀；只愿他們當那醉淫 飽臥之時，或避事去愁之際，把此一玩，豈不省了些壽命筋力？就比 那樣謀虛逐妄，卻也省了些口舌是非之言、腳腿奔忙之苦；再者亦令 世人換新耳目，不比那些胡牽亂扯，忽離忽遇，滿紙才子淑女，『子 建』『文君』『紅娘』『小玉』等，通共熟套舊稿，我師意為何如？ 」空空道人聽如此說，思忖了半晌，想這「石頭記」亦非傷時罵世之 旨，及至君仁臣良，父慈子孝，凡倫常所關之處，皆是稱功頌德，眷 眷無窮，實非別書之可比。雖其中大旨談情，亦不過實錄其事，又非 假擬妄稱，一昧的淫邀艷約，私討偷盟之可比，因毫不干涉時世，方 從頭至尾抄寫回來，問世傳奇。因空見色，由色生情，傳情入色，自 色悟空，遂易名情僧，改名「石頭記」為情僧錄。東魯孔梅溪題曰「 風月寶鑒」。後因曹雪芹于悼紅軒，披閱十載，增刪五次，纂成目錄 ，分出章回，則題曰「金陵十二釵」，並題一絕云：
滿紙荒唐言，一把辛酸淚！都云作者痴，誰解其中味？
出則既明且看石上是何故？按那石上書云：當日地陷東南，這東南 一隅有處姑蘇城，有城曰閶門者，最是紅塵中一二等富貴風流之地。 這閶門外有個十里街，街內有個仁清巷，巷內有個古廟，因地方狹窄 ，人皆呼作「葫蘆廟」。廟旁住著一家鄉宦，姓甄名費，字士隱，嫡 妻封氏，性情閒淑，深明禮義；家中雖不甚富貴，然本地也推他為望 族了。因這甄士隱稟性恬淡，不以功名為念，每日只以觀花修竹、酌 酒吟詩為樂，倒是神仙一流人品；只是一件不足，如今年已半百，膝 下無兒；只有一女，乳名英蓮，年方三歲。
一日炎夏永晝，士隱于書房閒坐，至倦時，拋書伏几少憩，不覺矇 矓睡去。夢至一處，不辨是何地方。忽見那廂來了一僧一道，且行且 談，只聽得道人問道：「你攜了這蠢物，意欲何往。」那僧笑道：「 你放心！如今現有一段風流公案，正該了結，這一干風流冤家尚未投 入人世，趁此機會，就將此物夾帶其中，使他去經歷經歷。」那道人 道：「原來近來的風流冤孽又將造劫歷世去不成，但不知落于何方何 處？」那僧笑道：「此事說來好笑竟是千古未聞的罕事。只因西方靈 河岸上三生石畔有『絳珠草』一株，時有赤霞宮神瑛侍者，日以甘露 灌溉，這「絳珠草」始得久延歲月。後來既受天地精華，復得雨露滋 養，遂得脫腳草胎木質，得化人形，只修成個女體，終日游於「離恨 天」外；飢餐食蜜青果為膳，渴則飲灌愁海水為湯。只因未酬那灌溉 之德，故甚至五內便鬱結著一段纏綿不盡之意。恰近日這神瑛侍者凡 心偶熾，棄此昌明太平盛世，意欲下凡，造歷幻緣；已在警幻仙子案 前掛了號，警幻亦曾問及灌溉之情未償，趁此倒可了結。」那絳珠仙 子道：『他是甘露之惠，我並無此水可還，他既下世為人，我也去下 世為人，但把我一生所有的眼淚還他，也償還得過他了』。因此一事 ，就勾出許多風流冤家陪他們去了結此案。」那道人道：「果是罕聞 ，實未聞有『還淚』之說！想來這段故事比歷來風月故事更加瑣碎細 膩了。」那僧道：「歷來幾個風流人物，不過傳其大概，以及詩詞篇 章而已。至家庭閨閣中一飲一食，總未述記；再者大半風月故事不過 偷香竊玉，暗約私奔而已。並不曾將兒女之私情發洩一二，想這一干 人入世，其情痴色鬼，賢愚不肖者，悉與前人傳述不同矣。」那道人 道：「趁此你我何不也下世度脫幾個，豈不是一場功德？」那僧道： 「正合吾意。你且同我到警幻仙子宮中，將這『蠢物』交割清楚，待 這一干風流孽鬼下世已完，你我再去。如今雖已有一半落塵，然猶未 全集。」道人道：「既如此，便隨你去來。」
卻說甄士隱俱聽明白，但不知所云蠢物係何東西，遂近前來施禮， 笑問道：「二位仙師請了。」那僧道也答禮相問，士隱因說道：「適 聞仙師所談因果，實人世罕聞者；但弟子愚濁，不能洞悉明白，若蒙 大開痴頑，備講一聞，則洗耳靜聽，稍能警醒，亦可免沈淪之苦。」 二仙笑道：「此乃玄機，不可預洩者。到那時只不要望了我二人，便 可跳出火坑矣。」士隱聽了，不便再問，因笑道：「玄機不可預洩， 但適云『蠢物』，不知為何物？或可一見否？」那道人道：「若問此 物，倒有一面之緣。」說著取出遞與士隱。
士隱接了看時，原來是塊鮮明美玉，上面字跡分明，鐫著「通靈寶 玉」四字。後面還有幾行小字，正欲細看時，那僧便說「已到幻境」 ，便強從手裡奪了去，與道人竟過一大石牌坊，那牌坊上大書四字， 乃是「太虛幻境」；兩邊又有一副對聯道：
假作真時真亦假，無為有處有還無。
士隱意欲跟了進去，方舉步時，忽聽得一聲霹靂，有若山崩地陷， 士隱大叫一聲，定睛一看，只見烈日炎炎，芭蕉冉冉，夢中之事，便 忘了大半。又見奶母抱了英蓮走來。士隱見女兒一發生的粉妝玉琢， 甚覺可喜，便伸手接來，抱在懷內，逗他玩耍一回，又帶至街前看那 過會的熱鬧。方欲進來時，只見從那邊來了一僧一道：那僧則癩頭跣 足，那道跛足蓬頭，瘋瘋癲癲，揮霍談笑而至。及到了他門前，看見 士隱抱著英蓮，那僧便大哭起來，又向士隱道：「施主，你把這有命 無運、累及爹娘之物抱在懷內作甚？」士隱聽了，知是瘋話，也不睬 他；那僧還說：「捨我罷！捨我罷！」士隱不奈煩，便抱著女兒撤身 進去，那僧乃指著他大笑，口內念了四句言詞道：
慣養嬌生笑你痴，菱花空對雪澌澌；好防佳節元宵後，便是 煙消火滅時。
士隱聽得明白，心下猶豫，意欲問他們的來歷，只聽道人說道：「 你我不必同往，就此分手，各幹營生罷，三劫後我在北邙山等你，會 齊了，同往太虛幻境銷號。」那僧道：「最妙，最妙！」說畢，二人 已去，再不見個蹤影了。士隱心中此時心中自忖：這兩個人必有來歷 ，該試問一番，如今悔之晚矣。
這士隱正痴想，忽見隔壁「葫蘆廟」內寄居的一個窮儒走了出來 ，這個人姓賈名化、表字時飛、別號雨村者，原係湖北人氏，詩書仕 宦之族，因他生于末世，父母祖宗根基已盡，人口衰喪，只剩得他一 身一口，在家鄉無益，因進京求取功名，再整基業。自前歲來此，又 淹蹇住了，暫居廟中安身，每日賣文作字為生，故士隱常與他交接。
當下雨村見了士隱，忙施禮陪笑道：「老先生倚門佇望，敢是街市 上有些新聞麼？」士隱笑道：「非也，適因小女啼哭，引他出來作耍 ，正是無聊之甚，兄來得甚妙，請入小齋一談，彼此皆可消此永晝。 」說著，便令人送女兒進去，自攜了雨村，來至書房中，小童獻茶， 方談得三五句話，忽家人飛報：「嚴老爺來拜。」士隱慌忙起身謝罪 道：「恕誆駕之罪，略坐，弟失陪。」雨村忙躬身亦讓道：「老先生 請便，晚生乃常造之客，稍後何妨。」說著，士隱竟往前廳去了。
這裡雨村且翻弄書籍解悶，忽聽得窗外有女子嗽聲，雨村遂起身往 窗外一看，原來是一個丫鬟再那裡掐花兒，生得儀容不俗，眉目清明 ，雖無十分姿色，卻亦有動人之處，雨村不覺看得呆了。那丫鬟掐了 花兒，方欲走時，猛抬頭見窗內有人，敝巾舊服，雖是貧窮，然生得 腰圓膀厚，面闊口方，更兼劍眉星眼，直鼻權腮。這丫鬟忙轉身迴避 ，心下乃想：「這人生得這樣雄壯，卻又這等襤褸，想他定是我主人 常說的賈雨村了，每有意幫助週濟他，只是沒甚機會，我家並無這樣 貧窮親友，想來定是此人無疑了，怪道：又說他必非久困之人。」如 此想來，不免又回頭兩次。雨村見他回了頭，便自為這女子心中有意 於他，便狂喜不禁，自為此女子必是個巨眼英豪，風塵中之知己也。
一時小童進來，雨村打聽得前面留飯，不可久待，遂從夾道中自便 門出去了。士隱待客既散，知雨村自便，也不去再邀。
一日又中秋佳節，士隱家宴已畢，又另具一席于書房，卻自己步月 至廟中來邀雨村。
原來雨村自那日見了甄家之婢曾回顧他兩次，自為是個知己，便時 刻放在心上，今又正值中秋，不免對月有懷，因而口占五言一絕云：
自顧風前影，誰堪月下愁？悶來時假斂額，先上玉人樓。
雨村念罷，因又思及平生的抱負，苦未逢時，乃又搔首對天長歎， 復高吟一聯云：
玉在櫃中求善價，釵於奩內待時飛。
恰被士隱走來聽見，笑道：「雨村兄真抱負不淺也。」雨村忙笑道 ：「豈敢，不過偶吟前人之句，何敢狂誕至此。」因問：「先生何事 至此？」士隱笑道：「今夜中秋，俗謂『團圓之節』，想尊兄旅寄僧 房，不無寂寥之感，故特具小酌，邀兄到敝齋一飲，不知可納芹意否 ？」雨村聽了，並不推辭，便笑道：「既蒙謬愛，何敢拂此盛情。」 說著便同士隱過這邊書院中來了。
須臾茶畢，早已設下盃盤，那美酒佳餚，自不必說。二人歸坐，先 是款酌慢飲，漸次談至興濃，不覺飛觥獻斝起來。當時街坊上家家簫 管，戶戶笙歌，當頭一輪明月，飛彩凝輝，二人愈添豪興，酒到杯乾 。雨村此時已有七八分酒意，狂興不禁，乃對月寓懷，口占一絕云：
時逢三五便團圞，滿把晴光護玉欄。天上一輪才捧出，人間 萬姓仰頭看。
士隱聽了大叫：「妙極！弟每謂兄必非久居人下者，今所吟之句， 飛騰之兆已見，不日可接履於雲霓之上矣。可賀，可賀。」乃親斟一 斗為賀。雨村因乾過，歎道：「非晚生酒後狂言，若論舉業之學，晚 生也或可去充數沽名，只是目今行囊路費，一概無措，神京路遠，非 賴賣字撰文即能到者。」士隱不待說完，便道：「兄何不早言，愚每 有此意，但每遇兄時，並未談及，故未敢唐突。今既提及，弟雖不才 ，義利二字，卻還識得；且喜明歲正當大比，兄宜作速入都，一戰春 闈，方不負兄之所學也。其盤費餘事，弟自為處置，亦不枉兄之謬識 矣。」當下既命小童進去速封五十兩白銀，並兩套冬衣，又云：「十 九日乃黃道之期，兄可即買舟西上，待雄飛高舉，明冬再晤，豈非大 快之事也！」雨村收了銀衣，不過略謝一語，並不介意，仍是吃酒談 笑。那天已交三鼓，二人方散。
士隱送雨村後，回房一覺，直至紅日三竿方醒，因思昨夜之事，意 欲寫兩封荐書與雨村帶至神都，使他投謁個仕宦之家為寄足之地，因 使人過去請時，那家人回來說：「和尚說：『賈爺今日五鼓已進京去 了，也曾留下話與和尚轉達老爺，說：「讀書人不在『黑道』『黃道 』，總以事理為要，不及面辭了。」士隱聽了，也只得罷了。
真是閒處光陰易過，倏忽又是元宵佳節矣。因士隱命家人霍啟抱了 英蓮去看社火花燈，半路中霍啟因要小解，便將英蓮放在一家門檻上 坐著，待他小解完了來抱時，哪有英蓮的蹤影？急得霍啟直尋了半夜 ，至天明不見，那霍啟也就不敢回來見主人，便逃往他鄉去了。
那士隱夫婦見女兒一夜不歸，便知有些不妥，再使幾人去尋找，回 來皆云連影響皆無。夫妻二人半世只生此女，一旦失落，豈不思想， 因此晝夜啼哭，幾乎不曾尋死。看看一月，士隱先得了一病，夫人封 氏也因思女構病，日日請醫療治。
不想這日三月十五，葫蘆廟中炸供，那和尚不加小心，致使油鍋火 起，便燒著窗紙：此方人家都用竹籬木壁者甚多，大抵也因劫數，于 是接二連三，牽五掛四，將一條街燒得如火焰山一般；彼時雖有軍民 來救，那火已成了勢，如何救得下，直燒了一夜，漸漸的熄下去，也 不知燒了幾家。只可憐甄家在隔壁，燒成一片瓦礫場了，只有他夫妻 並幾個家人的性命不曾傷了，急得士隱惟跌足長歎而已。只得與妻子 商議且到田莊上去安身，偏值近年水旱不收，鼠盜蜂起，無非搶奪田 地，鼠竊狗偷，民不安生。因此官兵剿捕，難以安身，只得將田地都 折變了，便攜了妻子與兩個丫鬟，投他岳丈家去。
他岳丈名喚封肅，本貫大如州人氏，雖是務農，家中都還殷實，今 見女婿這等狼狽而來，心中便有些不樂，幸而士隱還有折變的銀子在 未曾用完，拿出來託他隨分就價薄置些些須房地，為後日衣食之計； 那封肅便半哄半賺的，些須與他些薄田朽屋。士隱乃讀書之人，不慣 生理稼穡等事，勉強支持了一二年，越發窮了下去。封肅每見面時， 便說些現成話兒，且人前人後，又怨他不善過活，只一味好吃懶動等 語。士隱知投人不著，心中未免悔恨，再兼上年驚唬急忿，怨痛已傷 ，暮年人貧病交攻，竟漸漸的露出那下世的光景來。可巧這日拄了拐 掙挫的到街前散散心，忽見那邊來了一個跛足道人，瘋顛落拓，麻履 鶉衣，口內念著幾句言詞道：
世人都曉神仙好，惟有功名忘不了！古今將相在何方，荒冢 一堆草沒了。
世人都曉神仙好，只有金銀忘不了！終朝只恨聚無多，及到 多時眼閉了！
世人都曉神仙好，只有嬌妻忘不了！君在日日說恩情，君死 又隨人去了。
世人都曉神仙好，只有兒孫忘不了！癡心父母古來多，孝順 子孫誰見了？
士隱聽了，便迎上來道：「你滿口說些甚麼。只聽見些『好了』、 『好了』。」那道人笑道：「你果聽見『好了』二字還算你明白；可 知世上萬般，了便是好，好便是了；若不了，便不好；若要好，須是 了。我這歌兒便名『好了歌』。」士隱本是有宿慧的，一聞此言，心 中早已悟徹，因笑道：「且住。待我將你這『好了歌』解出了何如？ 」道人笑道：「你解，你解。」士隱乃說道：
陋室空堂，當年滿笏床；衰草枯揚，曾為歌舞場；蛛絲兒結 滿雕樑，綠紗兒今又糊在蓬窗上。說甚麼脂正濃粉正香，如何兩鬢又 成霜？昨日黃土隴頭送白骨，今宵紅綃帳裡臥鴛鴦。金滿箱，銀滿箱 ，轉眼乞丐人皆謗；正歎他人命不長，哪知自己歸來喪？訓有方，保 不定日後作強梁。擇膏粱，誰承望流落在煙花巷！因嫌紗帽小，致使 鎖枷扛；昨憐破襖寒，金嫌紫蟒長：亂烘烘你方唱罷我登場，反認他 鄉是故鄉；甚荒唐，到頭來都是為他人作嫁衣裳。
那瘋跛道人聽了，拍掌大笑道：「解得切。解得切。」士隱便說一 聲「走罷」，將道人肩上的搭褳搶了過來背著，竟不回家，同了瘋道 人飄飄而去。
當下哄動街上的眾人，當作新聞傳說。封氏聞知此信，哭個死去活 來，只得與父親商議，遣人各處訪尋。哪討音信？沒奈何，只得靠著 他父母度日；幸而身邊還有兩個舊日的丫鬟服侍，主僕三人，日夜作 些針指發賣，幫著父親用度。那封肅雖然日日抱怨，也無可奈何了。
這日那甄家的大丫鬟在門前買線，忽聽得街上喝道之聲，眾人都說 ：「新太爺到任！」丫鬟于是隱在門內看時，只見幾個軍牢快手，一 對一對的過去，俄兒大轎內抬著一個烏紗新袍的官府過去。那丫鬟倒 發了個怔，自思：「這官好面善，倒像在哪裡見過的。」于是進入房 中，也就丟過，不在心上。到晚間正待歇息之時，忽聽一片聲打的門 響，許多人亂嚷，說：「本府的太爺差人來傳人問話！」封肅聽了， 唬得目瞪口呆。不知有何禍事，且聽下回分解。
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Meditation
So lately, I've been taking a Meditation class and found that I can't do it.
Period. I can't meditate. Unless you call singing to yourself meditation. In which case, I meditate like it's nobody's business.
Yep. Meditation have failed me. I do not get more relaxed, nor does my stress flow out of me like a babbling brook. It simply gives me another reason to procrastinate work and therefore spend another hour of my life, twice a week not to mention, on contemplation of my life. I mean, it's not a bad life. Just a little tedious and undesired at times.
But I do appreciate the segment on Labyrinths. The book "The Rose Labyrinth" is a very good book. Wrapped up in mysterious hidden messages and a very pretty book cover. Neat little package of pleasure reading embodiment.
Period. I can't meditate. Unless you call singing to yourself meditation. In which case, I meditate like it's nobody's business.
Yep. Meditation have failed me. I do not get more relaxed, nor does my stress flow out of me like a babbling brook. It simply gives me another reason to procrastinate work and therefore spend another hour of my life, twice a week not to mention, on contemplation of my life. I mean, it's not a bad life. Just a little tedious and undesired at times.
But I do appreciate the segment on Labyrinths. The book "The Rose Labyrinth" is a very good book. Wrapped up in mysterious hidden messages and a very pretty book cover. Neat little package of pleasure reading embodiment.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Humor of it All
LOL, ROFL, ROFLCopter
Ain't life great? I could say the obvious cliche, but it's Kyla's blog and while she can talk dirty *wink* *wink*, I don't think she would appreciate such a vulgar remark.
Ain't life great? I could say the obvious cliche, but it's Kyla's blog and while she can talk dirty *wink* *wink*, I don't think she would appreciate such a vulgar remark.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Collapsing Heart, Shattering Glass
It was a dimly lit room. Everywhere I look, all I could see was darkness. I held my hand in front of my eyes, but nothing was there. It was as if I had been swallowed by some unknown fabric of space. The air was silent and still; the usual warmth of my room had disappeared. I sat kneeling on my bed and stared into the vast darkness in front of me.
Suddenly, I could hear the ticking of the clock getting louder and louder. It started as a slight tap-tack, tap-tack; then it gained volume as if it was coming closer to my ears. The light ticking became a more noticeable "tak tak tak" and then transformed into an even more apparent "tik-tak tik-tak tik-tak". Once it reached the loudest I could bear, the sound seem to retract back into the darkness again and once more, the room stayed still.
I began to tap my finger on my pillow resting on my lap. A song I've heard long long ago begins to resurface in my mind. I used to love this song so much that I would have all the lyrics memorized. But that was a long long time ago and I have forgotten about this song since then.
I closed my eyes only to find you staring back at me
An image so vivid you seem to be real
What sort of dream is this?
What sort of fantasy are you?
Will you kiss me like you do,
Will you hug me like you do,
Or will you leave me like you did?
I looked into the mirror only to find that I've aged
When was it the last time we met?
I was enthralled and entranced
That we were given a second chance
Now you tell me you miss me
Now you tell me you love me
But are you lying to me once again?
My fragile heart can't take much more
Like glass it will shatter
Like glass it will shatter
I fear my heart will collapse
I walked past the cafe only to find it being torn down
The place where we both encountered
I felt we'd be together forever
I never imagined we'd be apart
Maybe it was just wishful thinking
Maybe it was just anxiety running
Am I going to find another you to replace?
Suddenly, I could hear the ticking of the clock getting louder and louder. It started as a slight tap-tack, tap-tack; then it gained volume as if it was coming closer to my ears. The light ticking became a more noticeable "tak tak tak" and then transformed into an even more apparent "tik-tak tik-tak tik-tak". Once it reached the loudest I could bear, the sound seem to retract back into the darkness again and once more, the room stayed still.
I began to tap my finger on my pillow resting on my lap. A song I've heard long long ago begins to resurface in my mind. I used to love this song so much that I would have all the lyrics memorized. But that was a long long time ago and I have forgotten about this song since then.
I closed my eyes only to find you staring back at me
An image so vivid you seem to be real
What sort of dream is this?
What sort of fantasy are you?
Will you kiss me like you do,
Will you hug me like you do,
Or will you leave me like you did?
I looked into the mirror only to find that I've aged
When was it the last time we met?
I was enthralled and entranced
That we were given a second chance
Now you tell me you miss me
Now you tell me you love me
But are you lying to me once again?
My fragile heart can't take much more
Like glass it will shatter
Like glass it will shatter
I fear my heart will collapse
I walked past the cafe only to find it being torn down
The place where we both encountered
I felt we'd be together forever
I never imagined we'd be apart
Maybe it was just wishful thinking
Maybe it was just anxiety running
Am I going to find another you to replace?
Starlit
Sometimes in life, you run into things that are .........less than perfect.
You don't really know what you're looking for but your instincts tell you that you're lacking in something. But how do you figure out what it is that you're missing. Perfection doesn't exist, so everyone tells me, but I would like to think otherwise. If perfection really did exist, the only reason we're all oblivious to it would be because it was perfect. Let me put it this way, if everything was the same color, we do not perceive boundaries, or any difference between this spot and that spot. Same goes for perfection, if in fact it's flawless, we would not have noticed because our eyes are accustomed to search for "imperfections".
I wonder if that's why no one ever sees perfection and yet have a gut feeling that it's there? So what we usually refer to as perfection in the modern society really isn't all that perfect, in fact, they're the opposite. The more we notice these "perfect things", the less perfect they are and the more flaws we're seeing. To notice such "perfections", their more obvious "imperfections" must have caught our attention first.
You don't really know what you're looking for but your instincts tell you that you're lacking in something. But how do you figure out what it is that you're missing. Perfection doesn't exist, so everyone tells me, but I would like to think otherwise. If perfection really did exist, the only reason we're all oblivious to it would be because it was perfect. Let me put it this way, if everything was the same color, we do not perceive boundaries, or any difference between this spot and that spot. Same goes for perfection, if in fact it's flawless, we would not have noticed because our eyes are accustomed to search for "imperfections".
I wonder if that's why no one ever sees perfection and yet have a gut feeling that it's there? So what we usually refer to as perfection in the modern society really isn't all that perfect, in fact, they're the opposite. The more we notice these "perfect things", the less perfect they are and the more flaws we're seeing. To notice such "perfections", their more obvious "imperfections" must have caught our attention first.
Monday, November 24, 2008
......Odd Reflex
So every time a guy talks about their kids, I have this innate and uncontrollable reflex to look at their face, scroll down to their crotch, and then back up to their face.
I mean is that even natural. It's not like I'm inspecting anything, just a quick and innocent glance when they mention that they have kids.
Weird...............
So yea, that's all for now.
I've been lazy and not writing much..........so much for being responsible, go figure?!
I mean is that even natural. It's not like I'm inspecting anything, just a quick and innocent glance when they mention that they have kids.
Weird...............
So yea, that's all for now.
I've been lazy and not writing much..........so much for being responsible, go figure?!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
So then........
After the "weekend test".....the results are in...........
Well they weren't in the room this time. I was so grateful. Thank Heavens!
But right now I am using the silent treatment for both of them. I'm just not talking to Cheese at all, but with Muffin, I do have business related stuff, so I have to like talk to her......only about business thou.
Anywayz, so then last night. Both of them showed up in the room after a full week of heavenly-divine-absence (which I throughly enjoyed) from the wayward lovers. And as my plan entails, I ignored them both. Well Cheese asked Muffin why I was acting so "weird", and I am just thinking. What do you think Cheese.......silence........avoidance.....you'd think the guy can take a hint.
But no, he doesn't get the idea. Muffin tells him that it was because I was acting like a spoiled child and won't grow up.
That got me so pissed because if I was really like a kid, I would have thrown things on the floor and like yell at them in their face. Thrown more things at them and did all kinds of childish things, but no, I have chosen to be fairly mature and go about it by Avoidance. By not associating with them at all, I have found that I can socialize better without having to like apologize to other people who come to my room and find my roommate halfway naked.
The thing that gets me is that all that I have done has a valid point. I was trying to make a very clear statement that I was unhappy with them and that they really should change for the better. And yet, they are justifying themselves by pushing the blame onto. As if it is really my problem.
Ughh..........seriously I've had enough of them and hopefully I can endure it a little longer before I explode.
Time for some happy news:
Kyla has two tests coming next week.
Yeah, talk about happy news, this isn't happy at all. >.< Actually it's pretty depressing.
But what can I do, I really need to study harder and more homework practice.
Well they weren't in the room this time. I was so grateful. Thank Heavens!
But right now I am using the silent treatment for both of them. I'm just not talking to Cheese at all, but with Muffin, I do have business related stuff, so I have to like talk to her......only about business thou.
Anywayz, so then last night. Both of them showed up in the room after a full week of heavenly-divine-absence (which I throughly enjoyed) from the wayward lovers. And as my plan entails, I ignored them both. Well Cheese asked Muffin why I was acting so "weird", and I am just thinking. What do you think Cheese.......silence........avoidance.....you'd think the guy can take a hint.
But no, he doesn't get the idea. Muffin tells him that it was because I was acting like a spoiled child and won't grow up.
That got me so pissed because if I was really like a kid, I would have thrown things on the floor and like yell at them in their face. Thrown more things at them and did all kinds of childish things, but no, I have chosen to be fairly mature and go about it by Avoidance. By not associating with them at all, I have found that I can socialize better without having to like apologize to other people who come to my room and find my roommate halfway naked.
The thing that gets me is that all that I have done has a valid point. I was trying to make a very clear statement that I was unhappy with them and that they really should change for the better. And yet, they are justifying themselves by pushing the blame onto. As if it is really my problem.
Ughh..........seriously I've had enough of them and hopefully I can endure it a little longer before I explode.
Time for some happy news:
Kyla has two tests coming next week.
Yeah, talk about happy news, this isn't happy at all. >.< Actually it's pretty depressing.
But what can I do, I really need to study harder and more homework practice.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
My Dream...
So I had a dream,
"I was someone's pet and was locked inside a glass cage. I was happy but only when my master came home, which was not often. I would smile when he comes to visit me. I would hug him if he fed me. I would kiss him when he puts me to bed. But when I was alone, and my master was away, I would feel this empty void build up; the feeling is so intense that it always makes me cry.
Then one day, the master never came by. He was gone, and day after day, time passed, and no one came to look after me. I was lonely and hungry. But most of all, I was abandoned. It felt so painful to be forgotten. All I could see were the glass walls that surrounded me and the soft blankets that I slept on. I was alone in this world, no one would care if I cried or laughed; healthy or sick; hot or cold; or even alive or dead.
I kept on waiting day after day, and eventually I lost all track of time. I could no longer remember my master's face except for his silhouette that would linger in my memory when I tried to fall asleep. I no longer knew if I grew old, all I knew was that I would have to live forever in this glass cage.
I could see the world outside, it was beautiful. But I would never be able to leave my prison. It was something I never desire when my master was with me, but now that I'm on my own, it occurred to me that I longed to be roaming in the open fields. The enchanting flower gardens just beyond the creek beside the sloping hills. I wanted to taste the raindrops that fall during the spring showers and feel the icy winds of winter on my cheeks.
Now instead of longing for my master, I longed for freedom. I had almost completely forgotten about my master until I saw a little boy running around the glass cage. This little boy had an uncanny resemblance to the silhouette that always appear in the back of my mind. He had the soft brown hair of my master that once fed me, and the kind eyes that once delivered me to many sweet dreams, and the smile that once brought me so much joy. I was fascinated.
He looked at me and tapped the glass wall. Tak. Tak. I walked over and placed my palm over the little boy's palm. I could feel his warm through the glass; the warmth of another human being. Then a voice must have called the little boy because he turned his head behind him and looked at me with a forced smile. Then he ran down the hills to return to the world unbeknownst to me.
........................
"I was someone's pet and was locked inside a glass cage. I was happy but only when my master came home, which was not often. I would smile when he comes to visit me. I would hug him if he fed me. I would kiss him when he puts me to bed. But when I was alone, and my master was away, I would feel this empty void build up; the feeling is so intense that it always makes me cry.
Then one day, the master never came by. He was gone, and day after day, time passed, and no one came to look after me. I was lonely and hungry. But most of all, I was abandoned. It felt so painful to be forgotten. All I could see were the glass walls that surrounded me and the soft blankets that I slept on. I was alone in this world, no one would care if I cried or laughed; healthy or sick; hot or cold; or even alive or dead.
I kept on waiting day after day, and eventually I lost all track of time. I could no longer remember my master's face except for his silhouette that would linger in my memory when I tried to fall asleep. I no longer knew if I grew old, all I knew was that I would have to live forever in this glass cage.
I could see the world outside, it was beautiful. But I would never be able to leave my prison. It was something I never desire when my master was with me, but now that I'm on my own, it occurred to me that I longed to be roaming in the open fields. The enchanting flower gardens just beyond the creek beside the sloping hills. I wanted to taste the raindrops that fall during the spring showers and feel the icy winds of winter on my cheeks.
Now instead of longing for my master, I longed for freedom. I had almost completely forgotten about my master until I saw a little boy running around the glass cage. This little boy had an uncanny resemblance to the silhouette that always appear in the back of my mind. He had the soft brown hair of my master that once fed me, and the kind eyes that once delivered me to many sweet dreams, and the smile that once brought me so much joy. I was fascinated.
He looked at me and tapped the glass wall. Tak. Tak. I walked over and placed my palm over the little boy's palm. I could feel his warm through the glass; the warmth of another human being. Then a voice must have called the little boy because he turned his head behind him and looked at me with a forced smile. Then he ran down the hills to return to the world unbeknownst to me.
........................
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Kawaiii Harajuku Lovers!
I was surfing the web today and found this cute site with these cute stuff on it!
Please go here
I was so excited, I wanted to buy everything, but alas, Kyla has no money...... ~_~
But if you're bursting at the seams with money, go for it. It's a little bit overpriced, I think, but since the patterns and styles are so CUTE, I'd totally spend that extra little something something.
Please email me a picture of you and your new Kawaii new acquisitions so that I can post them on here for everyone to envy and admire you! >.<
That's all for now!
Silent Treatment..........
Shhhhh!
Well for the past couple of days, I've been giving Muffin and Cheese the silent treatment.
Working well, I must say. Cheese has been staying away from my room for a while now.......I'm so much more happy. And this weekend, it is their test time because when I come back and the door is locked, I will be sad, disappointed, angry, grumpy, and violent!
Let's see how this goes........................
Well for the past couple of days, I've been giving Muffin and Cheese the silent treatment.
Working well, I must say. Cheese has been staying away from my room for a while now.......I'm so much more happy. And this weekend, it is their test time because when I come back and the door is locked, I will be sad, disappointed, angry, grumpy, and violent!
Let's see how this goes........................
Thursday, October 16, 2008
My First Blog!
I'm so excited! This is my first time blogging, hope I'm interesting enough >.< First off, a little bit about myself. My name is Kyla and I love sweets (like candy and stuff); thus---SweetKyla! I am a college student and plan to major Economics.......hope I' smart enough o_O Anywayz.....school has been pretty busy lately with lotz of test and homework. But I find my personal life much more interesting than my academic career. Even if there are a few rare exceptions. Lately, I'm not on such good terms with my roommate. Let's call her Muffin, so that we're not naming any names here, and her boyfriend Cheese. So we were all friends during our freshmen year of college right? Then around Dec. of last year (2007), they started going out....I mean I was all happy with them and stuff, but things just got more awkward. A lil' background first:
* I was silly and pretty stupid to make out with Cheese and had an undefined "dating thing" going on for 2 weeks back in Oct. 2007. I wish I could erase the past....but alas...it's impossible..............with present technology. Gosh darn it!
* Muffin is very special......she was Queen Bee in high school, but now in college, she has to regain her position slowly. She also has problems with her parents, they either want her to get a boyfriend fast so that she can get married before she's 25 or they want her to change her major from Pre-med to BioChem to Law to English to Business to Math to Comp Sci to Economics............you get the idea.....>.<
* Cheese is a very troubled boy......his parents are divorced and he blames that for everything. He is also horny.......I mean seriously, would a guy sleep, and I mean literally REM cycling, at 4 in the morning with 3 other girls on the same bed?! Well, me and Muffin and Muffin's roommate (let's call her Cookie) all slept in the same bed with Cheese. I know, that was such a bad decision right? Something's bound to go wrong when you do this kind of thing more than once............and so this lasted for about 3 or so weeks......
* Did I mention that Muffin and Cheese look like they're anorexic....I mean they could fly away if the wind blew a little harder.....sheesh.....they're have such unhealthy diets and lifestyles.....
* Eventually all college students get together and "making outs" happen.......
* I must have been under some devilish influence to start brushing up against Cheese when we were all in bed at night...........is this female hormones acting up? Stupid Kyla, stupid idiot Kyla...........so we did a so called dating thing for 2 weeks before he decided he needed to break up with me.
* It must have been really unimportant to me because I didn't cry, I mean I didn't even feel sad or depressed when we broke up (apparently from a nonexistent relationship, or one built solely on physical attraction anyways). Shouldn't I be in tears and have a rebound period .....No .........Kyla was just very embarrased to admit to other people what happened.
* Long story short, the pair hooked up by Dec. 07 and have been going out ever since til now.
This year, Muffin and I have become roommates. We made an agreement last year that Cheese can not sleep over in "our" room ever.
I also live near my home, so I usually go home on weekends and so I told her that if they needed private time for hinky-pinkying, they should do so only when I'm not on campus. I thought that I was respecting them and being tolerant and fair.
Well..........I was apparently wrong.
Cheese would now constantly show up in my room...and be on Muffin's bed ....they're always either kissing and sucking each other's tongues or making out and touching each other.......I mean a little further down, Cheese's hand would be in Muffin's pants....>.< Arghhhh..........didn't I just told them to do that when I'm not physically present......I thought that was very rude of them to violate our agreement. Okay ....I'll let that go, they're passionate lovers that need to PDA because they're insecure......or at least that's what I thought. Next thing you know, I go home on Saturday......come back Sunday night, and the door is locked. Well I have a key, I turn the key and I hear bedsheets shuffling and a loud mumbling yell "Stop. Wait. Hold On." Now ladies and gentlemen, what do you think is going on? The pair were sleeping naked together, but not sexing....so they tell me. I specifically told them not to sex in my room.....if you're gonna do so, please do so in Cheese's own room and don't invade my space like that. Ugh..........this happened for like the whole year from when we started school to right now, and I expect this trend to continue. So I discuss this with Muffin. And the answer I get is : "Kyla, I'm not gonna change my ways. " "Kyla, we're not gonna stop doing things in the room." I mean WTF, what is that suppose to mean. I really thought that I was considerate enough to give them the weekends to do their private thing, the least I expect back was some respect and decency when I return. They also obviously don't leave the room on weekends because the room is always a mess after I have sweeped the floor on the Friday before I left. I come back, there's candy on the floor, pizza toppings (they've been eating pizza every weekend for the past 4 weekends) , and all kinds of trash.....they also don't pick it up during the weekdays either.....so I have to become the maid and get our room looking decent again....>.< I was thinking that maybe I'm being sensitive and selfish by thinking this way. But I've spoken to at least 7 friends of mine that are telling me to do one or all of the following:
1. file a formal compliant to our residential college associate
2. request a transfer of rooms, so that I can get a new roommate at a different dorm room.
3. Talk/negoiate with her and him so that we can have a compromise
4. Beat the shit out of my roommate, the bitch
5. Beat the shit out of Cheese, the deutchbag (not sure I spelled that right)
6. @$$%%^%^$%#@$
But I really didn't want this to get ugly between us, since we're all friends. But I get the feeling that I'm being used and that the word "friend" really isn't defining what she treats me as.
So my alternative to avoid this bloody mess was to set up a schedule of when Cheese can be in the room. So when he's in the room, I'll leave, and when I'm in the room, he's not allowed.
Hopefully by implementing this plan, things should work out fine.
For two days, I've set this up..........it doesn't seem to be doing much.
Well, right now.......I am calmly angry (I'm not violent angry) at them, so I'm giving them the silent treatment for 2 whole days now. Cheese hasn't shown up much around my room.....but I suspect that he's just staying away for a brief period of time hoping I will cool down and then he can revert to his old ways again.
I'm just so annoyed by their nonexistent shamefulness.....they have no integrity or shame. They are pissing me off seriously........I think I deserve better. The fact that they also haven't done anything to try an reform their wicked ways is also giving me the impression that they really don't care how I feel.
I just don't know what else to do if this continues. To file a complaint or to do anything formal would result in a destruction of our friend.....everything will be lost, our friendship destroyed, and things will get ugly.......I really never want to get to that point.
What can I do in this situation? Am I in the right or wrong? IS there a different solution to this dilemma? Are they being right by acting like the misunderstood lovers that the world just hates because they are shameless?
...........ooookkk.................I'm done grumbling for now.......I do feel a little better now that all this is written out and I really hope someone can give me some pointers as to what to do about this.
I'll try to keep you all posted on what happens next. Ask me anything if you think it'll help in making your suggestion.
* I was silly and pretty stupid to make out with Cheese and had an undefined "dating thing" going on for 2 weeks back in Oct. 2007. I wish I could erase the past....but alas...it's impossible..............with present technology. Gosh darn it!
* Muffin is very special......she was Queen Bee in high school, but now in college, she has to regain her position slowly. She also has problems with her parents, they either want her to get a boyfriend fast so that she can get married before she's 25 or they want her to change her major from Pre-med to BioChem to Law to English to Business to Math to Comp Sci to Economics............you get the idea.....>.<
* Cheese is a very troubled boy......his parents are divorced and he blames that for everything. He is also horny.......I mean seriously, would a guy sleep, and I mean literally REM cycling, at 4 in the morning with 3 other girls on the same bed?! Well, me and Muffin and Muffin's roommate (let's call her Cookie) all slept in the same bed with Cheese. I know, that was such a bad decision right? Something's bound to go wrong when you do this kind of thing more than once............and so this lasted for about 3 or so weeks......
* Did I mention that Muffin and Cheese look like they're anorexic....I mean they could fly away if the wind blew a little harder.....sheesh.....they're have such unhealthy diets and lifestyles.....
* Eventually all college students get together and "making outs" happen.......
* I must have been under some devilish influence to start brushing up against Cheese when we were all in bed at night...........is this female hormones acting up? Stupid Kyla, stupid idiot Kyla...........so we did a so called dating thing for 2 weeks before he decided he needed to break up with me.
* It must have been really unimportant to me because I didn't cry, I mean I didn't even feel sad or depressed when we broke up (apparently from a nonexistent relationship, or one built solely on physical attraction anyways). Shouldn't I be in tears and have a rebound period .....No .........Kyla was just very embarrased to admit to other people what happened.
* Long story short, the pair hooked up by Dec. 07 and have been going out ever since til now.
This year, Muffin and I have become roommates. We made an agreement last year that Cheese can not sleep over in "our" room ever.
I also live near my home, so I usually go home on weekends and so I told her that if they needed private time for hinky-pinkying, they should do so only when I'm not on campus. I thought that I was respecting them and being tolerant and fair.
Well..........I was apparently wrong.
Cheese would now constantly show up in my room...and be on Muffin's bed ....they're always either kissing and sucking each other's tongues or making out and touching each other.......I mean a little further down, Cheese's hand would be in Muffin's pants....>.< Arghhhh..........didn't I just told them to do that when I'm not physically present......I thought that was very rude of them to violate our agreement. Okay ....I'll let that go, they're passionate lovers that need to PDA because they're insecure......or at least that's what I thought. Next thing you know, I go home on Saturday......come back Sunday night, and the door is locked. Well I have a key, I turn the key and I hear bedsheets shuffling and a loud mumbling yell "Stop. Wait. Hold On." Now ladies and gentlemen, what do you think is going on? The pair were sleeping naked together, but not sexing....so they tell me. I specifically told them not to sex in my room.....if you're gonna do so, please do so in Cheese's own room and don't invade my space like that. Ugh..........this happened for like the whole year from when we started school to right now, and I expect this trend to continue. So I discuss this with Muffin. And the answer I get is : "Kyla, I'm not gonna change my ways. " "Kyla, we're not gonna stop doing things in the room." I mean WTF, what is that suppose to mean. I really thought that I was considerate enough to give them the weekends to do their private thing, the least I expect back was some respect and decency when I return. They also obviously don't leave the room on weekends because the room is always a mess after I have sweeped the floor on the Friday before I left. I come back, there's candy on the floor, pizza toppings (they've been eating pizza every weekend for the past 4 weekends) , and all kinds of trash.....they also don't pick it up during the weekdays either.....so I have to become the maid and get our room looking decent again....>.< I was thinking that maybe I'm being sensitive and selfish by thinking this way. But I've spoken to at least 7 friends of mine that are telling me to do one or all of the following:
1. file a formal compliant to our residential college associate
2. request a transfer of rooms, so that I can get a new roommate at a different dorm room.
3. Talk/negoiate with her and him so that we can have a compromise
4. Beat the shit out of my roommate, the bitch
5. Beat the shit out of Cheese, the deutchbag (not sure I spelled that right)
6. @$$%%^%^$%#@$
But I really didn't want this to get ugly between us, since we're all friends. But I get the feeling that I'm being used and that the word "friend" really isn't defining what she treats me as.
So my alternative to avoid this bloody mess was to set up a schedule of when Cheese can be in the room. So when he's in the room, I'll leave, and when I'm in the room, he's not allowed.
Hopefully by implementing this plan, things should work out fine.
For two days, I've set this up..........it doesn't seem to be doing much.
Well, right now.......I am calmly angry (I'm not violent angry) at them, so I'm giving them the silent treatment for 2 whole days now. Cheese hasn't shown up much around my room.....but I suspect that he's just staying away for a brief period of time hoping I will cool down and then he can revert to his old ways again.
I'm just so annoyed by their nonexistent shamefulness.....they have no integrity or shame. They are pissing me off seriously........I think I deserve better. The fact that they also haven't done anything to try an reform their wicked ways is also giving me the impression that they really don't care how I feel.
I just don't know what else to do if this continues. To file a complaint or to do anything formal would result in a destruction of our friend.....everything will be lost, our friendship destroyed, and things will get ugly.......I really never want to get to that point.
What can I do in this situation? Am I in the right or wrong? IS there a different solution to this dilemma? Are they being right by acting like the misunderstood lovers that the world just hates because they are shameless?
...........ooookkk.................I'm done grumbling for now.......I do feel a little better now that all this is written out and I really hope someone can give me some pointers as to what to do about this.
I'll try to keep you all posted on what happens next. Ask me anything if you think it'll help in making your suggestion.
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